Author: Michelle Beck

• Just waiting, waiting , waiting to pee so I can go home. HA. Apparently my
  bladder is still under anesthesia. 😜 Other than that, I am feeling pretty good. 5 small incisions and no real pain at the moment. Just tired and anxious to go home to my own bed.
• Home and in bed. Getting situated in bed was quite a challenge when your mattress is tall, your arms don’t support you well and you just had surgery on your core. Oh, and I am feel like my head was positioned funny during surgery and either a nerve is pinched or there is a huge knot in my beck. Thankful for Nate who moved all of my 6 pillows around and rubbed my beck. I am currently a hot mess.
  However, this surgery was so much better than the last. I have 5 inch incisions almost straight across my stomach above my belly button. I look like a hangman board for a 5 letter word. Any guesses? 😂
  Planning on sleeping a lot this week and catching up on TV. Thank you everyone who signed up for the meal train. So helpful! We are so thankful for all of your continued support, prayers and love for us during this process. While the physical part of it is really hard on my body, my heart is full.

• Update so far. We got to the hospital this morning and everything is going well. We had a great experience with the nurses in admitting and they made the waiting easier. She went back for surgery around 11:19 or so, and is currently in procedure. She had great spirits and was smiling when I left to get some food and post the update. As I get more information I will update the group.
• I just got an update from the Dr. She is out of surgery now and in post op. She should move to a short stay room within the hour. The surgery went well, the fibroid’s that she had, made for a larger than normal Uterus, But the Dr said that they were able to accommodate that with no problem. There was some adhesion’s on the right side, again no issues. All in all it was a success.

Tomorrow morning, we check into the hospital at 9 am. My surgery, laparoscopic removal of my uterus, ovaries, Fallopian tubes and cervix is scheduled for approximately 11 am. I have little faith in the surgery happening on time. Both appointments with my Dr so far have been super late, but she is highly recommended and very well respected as a surgeon so I can deal with a little tardiness. Assuming no complications, the surgery will take a couple hours, and I should be home tomorrow evening.
My mom and grandma have been here this weekend for Jackson’s birthday, his baseball game and Easter and they are staying until Friday to help out with J and I. Nate has to travel Tuesday-Thursday, but I expect I will be doing a lot of sleeping and not much else so they can just keep J and Hunter in line, fed and make sure they get to school, all is well.
I am not nervous about this surgery; I know I have been through the worst of this whole journey already. As odd as it sounds, it has been such a busy few days that I am looking forward to rest post surgery.
My expanders are rock hard and I often have muscle spasms which are painful. My back hurts when I don’t have good posture, which if often as I am overcompensating for the discomfort in front. I do have two weeks off from my plastic surgeon for fills while I recover which will be nice. Hopefully a few more fills in May and then 2 more months of healing and I get my permanent implants which should be much softer and more comfortable. I can’t wait.
Hope everyone has a good Easter! Thank you for all of the support and love.

So, I have confirmation that my next surgery, the full hysterectomy, will be on Monday, April 17th with a 9 m check-in, and I should be home that night. It will be done laparoscopically with 5 small incisions and robot arms and cameras. This should be a much easier recovery and I will get probably 2 weeks off from the boob fills which will be nice. I am either in constant discomfort or pain in my chest and back and cant wait for this to be over. It is still challenging for me to lift things, especially with my left arm. J keeps asking me when I am going to be done being sick, and it breaks my heart.

Today, I met with the gynecological oncologist as I need to have my ovaries removed so there is no more estrogen production in my body. I went in knowing that I was going to ask to have everything removed: ovaries, Fallopian tubes, uterus and cervix. I want nothing left that can have a risk of cancer that I no longer need in my body. She was in agreement, but said she needed a justification for insurance purposes and I mentioned that I have fibroids so that should work.
I have an appointment next Thursday afternoon for an ultrasound and then will meet with the Dr. again next Friday morning, 14th (before Jackson’s birthday party of course) and go over the results with her. I am waiting to hear back on the actual surgery day, but it will be either April 17 or sometime the week of April 24. She said that there should be no problem doing it via 5 small incisions using robotic arms and cameras instead of a full large incision. There is always a chance that if she goes in and finds something, that could change, but for now, it should be laparoscopic with an easier recovery.
I sure hope so, as the recovery from the mastectomy has not been super fun. The expanders are just rock hard and often super tight and just hurt. I go back in tomorrow for another fill, and will continue to do so weekly, but will get some time off after the above surgery to recover.
Will update when I get the actual surgery date.

We made it to Miami safely yesterday, no incidents or even pain from the plane ride, other than being exhausted from getting up at 3:30 am. Hunter and Nate were kind enough to switch seats with me away from J so I could rest a little.
Then exactly one mile from the hotel, we got rear ended by a taxi cab. Thankfully we were stopped in traffic and he was going slow and no one was hurt. I was hugging my pillow and did feel like I over stretched something on my left side, but no worse then when I put the coat on funny a few weeks ago. It was just so frustrating waiting for the highway patrol, filling out the report and being delayed an hour when we were so close and starving. I feel fine today, but will talk to my Dr and have her check me out.
We have been to beach today so J could swim in the ocean, which was the first thing he wanted to do. That lasted about 5 minutes until he got hit by a wave and drank ocean water. Spending the rest of the day by the kids pool. I am still super tired, I think mainly just from the travel and time change. Relaxing in the sun, well, under an umbrella, is just what I needed.

I just wanted to say a very special thank you to all of our friends and family who have made/provided food to our family over the past month. It has been a life saver. We are so so very thankful.

On another note, I had fill #2 today. 100 cc of saline on each side. Last week was just 50 cc and the aftermath was painful. When I walked into the room today and saw 4 syringes instead of 2, I became very nervous. Thankfully the actual fill process itself is rather anti-climactic. I only feel pressure and a slight pinch on the right side. However once I stood up, wow, what a difference in feeling overall. I did not take anything for pain other than an Aleve, but I did take a Valium once we left the office to relax the muscles. I have not taken a true pain med in a week and hoping to keep it that way. If I am lying still, I feel ok. If I move, I feel like I have concrete baseballs on my chest which are pushing internally when I breathe and externally trying to get out. Basically OUCH. Poor J does not understand why I need to lie down all the time and can’t sit on the floor and play Legos. That is one of the hardest parts currently. I can’t snuggle with my son or my husband. It sucks. And I still have to sleep flat on my back. For a side sleeper who flip flops all night, this is torture. There are actually so many daily life things that I can’t do around the house which really bother me and my OCD, but I am trying to let go and appreciate the time I have to heal.

Good news from my oncologist today – NO CHEMO!! Based upon the results of the Oncotype test which examines the DNA of my specific cancer, it figures in all of these other things that we looked at on charts, evaluated percentages, etc., my oncologist did not think that the risks of chemo were enough to bring down my percentage of future cancer in other body areas. We agreed and moved on. WOOHOO!
Next step, my body is still producing estrogen, and it has to stop ASAP. So he moved up my appointment with the gyno oncologist from Apr 28 to Apr 5. He wants my ovaries out now. So basically as soon as can be scheduled after that (late April, early May), I will be having my ovaries and uterus removed and anything else down there which may want to give me cancer in the future. I was hoping for a little more healing time, but at least I should be feeling more human by summer. Oh, and don’t forget, I will still be going through my breast fills during all of this. Good times. However, this last surgery/recovery has been a bitch and that is being kind, but I know that the next one will be easier.
THEN, the fun continues with a different kind of daily meds for 5 or maybe 10 years called aromatase inhibitors. It is supposed to work better than Tamoxifen so that is good news. But I will truly be in menopause with all of the fun that goes with it. Sorry Nate.
Getting all of this information is exhausting, but good news overall.
My hope is that there is no statute of limitations on wearing yoga pants and comfy tops everywhere I go. They may be the only outfit I wear all year other than my bridesmaid’s dress for Emily’s wedding in September.

It has been a very up and down week for me. My sister went home after giving us two weeks of her very busy life to help out, my Dad and Step-mom also came for a few days which was great. Food, flowers, gifts and messages of support keep arriving. I really felt like I was improving each day and even drove J to school on Monday. Then that afternoon, I put on a coat to walk to the bus stop for J and pulled a muscle under my left arm, which just hurt enough to bring tears to my eyes and really hurt all day Tuesday as well. Nate was traveling and I was an emotional hot mess. I could not even maneuver my arms to change my tank top and tears of frustration flowed.
I know my body is healing; today at the plastic surgeon, all of the final bandages, random stitches and steri-tape over the incisions were removed. I was tender, but nothing truly hurt. It was my first expander fill and I was very nervous, despite taking a Dilaudid and a Valium, I had a white knuckle grip on the chair. They actually had to lay the chair back because I was nauseous and felt like I was going to pass out and nothing had even started yet. During the fill, which literally takes less than 2 minutes each, the left side was not a big deal, I did not even feel a needle poke, just pressure. On the right side, there was a definite needle prick and pain along with the pressure, but nothing compared to what I have been experiencing post surgery. Now I know the drill and will go back weekly, approximately 8 more times until we decide on the right size. God, that sounds so weird. Choosing the size of my boobs. I cried when the fills were done, just from the emotion of the process and how challenging it has been.

I have had surgeries before, but this one is by far the hardest recovery. I really can’t do a damn thing in my house besides make my own food when no one is home and kind of get dressed. It is ridiculous how much you need your chest and armpits to do most everything and when there are muscles trying to knit themselves together and heal, all I can do is wait. For a very OCD person whose job it is to take care of my husband, my kids, the dog, the house, the laundry, etc., just basically making my house look the way I want it to look, I am losing my damn mind.
The fill process today was actually much easier than I expected which was encouraging, but as the pain meds wore off, the throbbing started and every movement hurt. Even now, I am just lying on the couch and they HURT. It is hard to explain, but feels like my incision sites are going to explode. I actually asked the dr about this since they removed the tape and she promised me that everything would stay intact. I truly love my plastic surgeon and her PAs, they are compassionate and comforting and I am sure have seen many people a lot worse off than me. But this is me and I need them to reassure me that it’s all going to be good. Thankfully Nate is really good at this as well. One day at a time. Still a work in progress.

No more drains!!!! The plastic surgeon removed the last 3 drains today and I cannot explain how amazing it feels to not have tubes and plastic bubble things hanging out of my body. I can actually fully put my arms down at my sides. I don’t have to worry about accidentally catching a tube on something and causing immense pain as it pulls on the stitches. There is nothing to be measured, emptied and cleaned twice a day. Anyway, YAY!!!
Everything is healing well, and I will go in next week to start adding saline to each expander. I truly thought this was a few weeks out after more healing, but I guess the sooner we start, the sooner it is over. I am nervous about this part as I have heard it can be painful (it stretches out your muscles and skin from the inside), but at this point, not much can compare to the post surgery pain. And the unknown is also scary. How much feeling do I have left and needles. Weekly needles?!?! One day at a time, but today has been a much better day.